


PART TWO - TILL THE EARTH AND PLANT THE SEED

by BundleOfScarves



Series: Growth [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: A little bit lighter, Anxiety, Body Horror, Body Modification, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) is Bad at Feelings, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor has horrible memories, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Son Relationship, Gavin is still to be avoided... sometimes, Good Parent Hank Anderson, Hank Anderson Adopts Connor, Hank Anderson is Bad at Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Obsessive Behavior, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Tina chen is not an asshole, Worried Hank Anderson, plants are good therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-13 05:44:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15357534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BundleOfScarves/pseuds/BundleOfScarves
Summary: We pick up post pacifist ending following Connor. Hank sees a spiral happening and does his best to slow the descent, to put pillows where Connor would fall on rocks.2nd part in a series, where Androids gain their rights, and Connor can return to work where he feels useful. But he doesn't know what a healthy work life balance even is, let alone have one. Homicides, blood, new programs, panic and a plant. Connor needs to find the balance, or else he's going to tip, and it won't be pretty.before there is space for growth, there must first be destruction, and all things awful....spring is coming...





	1. Pass

 

It’s just over a month since the Androids have been declared officially their own species and Hank sits at his desk, reading the latest headlines. He scrolls past the political fear mongering about the nearing war between the US and Russia over the icy oil reserves. He scrolls past the tabloid headlines, talking about android partners and the stigmas associated. He stops and clicks on a new headline, one he’s been waiting to see for weeks.

 “Android Rights Act (ARA) passed in historic movement by the USA under pressure from the world to take responsibility for the new life that they have brought forth. Russia rumored soon to follow.” Hank smiles. He gets up, resisting the urge to hurry to Fowler’s office. He maintained his slow gait, not wanting to tip off Gavin to his good mood, surely the prick would find a way to ruin it. Hank didn’t even knock on the glass door of Fowlers office. He pushes the door open gruffly, feigning a bad mood by sliding a scowl on to his face. He let the door fall closed unceremoniously, Fowler finally glancing up from his paperwork to roll his eyes at Hank in his office.

“What do you want now Hank?” He doesn’t look up as he asks, flipping a paper over.

 “Have you seen the news?” Hank asks casually.

“I have, and you know full well what this means.” Fowler says plainly, still scanning paperwork. “Bring him in with you tomorrow and we’ll get it all sorted out. Gavin has tomorrow off.” Fowler smiles a small bit. “Hope this damn kid of yours isn’t more trouble than he’s worth Hank” Fowler gripes, but there's no bite to it. Hank can only guess that perhaps Fowler missed having such a good worker around. Hank smiles, and Fowler’s eyebrows lift in surprise.

 “Didn’t know you could still do that. Now get out of my office, and knock next time.” Fowler says.

“Uh huh” Hank complies, doing his best to hide his cheery mood from the others in the bullpen for the rest of the day.

 Near the end of the work day, he remembers something and takes out his phone to send a text. He pulls up the unknown number from a while ago and sends a short and simple message: Connor is coming back to work tomorrow.

 He sets the phone on his desk before continuing on paperwork, distractedly checking his phone every few minutes. 10 minutes later, it buzzes and Hank smiles as he reads the message. He pockets the phone and gets his things together to leave the precinct. On the way home, he makes a quick detour to the store to grab something quick for dinner.

 Arriving at home, he sees Connor on the couch entranced by the novel, nearly at its end. The house is clean, and Sumo is lounging lazily in the sunshine pouring in the back door. It’s not overcast today for the first day in a long while, and Sumo is happily taking advantage of this fact.  

 Connor looks up from the novel, mind still on the plot and the potential ways that the author can surprise him with new information. “Hello Hank, how was work?” Connor replies, dazed at how loud his voice sounds after a day of quiet.

 “Pretty damn good, actually” Hank says, letting the smile slide back onto his face. He doesn’t think that Connor has heard the news yet and is looking forward to seeing his face when he hears. Connor can practically hear the happiness in Hanks voice, and is warmed at its presence.   

 “Oh yeah? What’s got you in such a good mood?” Connor bites his tongue, nearly adding Lieutenant to the end of that.

“Well, the ARA got passed today. Gratz, Connor, you’ve got rights now! You’re legally considered a person, and you get a lot of the cool shit that comes with that.” Hank announces cheerily, walking behind the couch and clapping his hand on Connor shoulder. Connor looks a bit stunned, slowly setting down the book. Geez, Hank knew the kid didn’t pay attention to the news but did he know that the act was going through at all?

 “You guys still have a few things that the officials are ironing out but you’ve got the major stuff, just like Markus wanted. You can own stuff and property, get paid for work, get to express yourselves, and hell you guys even get the right to ask Cyberlife for repairs, and CyberLife can’t say no!” Hank is waving his hands around, excitedly telling Connor about the things he can legally do now. Connor feels like he’s listening through a layer of water. He’s not sure what is happening but he tries to smile and nod as Hank talks.

 Hank can see that this is probably a shock to Connor, and slows down his explaining, concerned. “Connor? Everything ok? Looking a little out of it there.” Hank says. Connor hears him ask, and opens his mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. Hank reaches out again and rubs Connor’s back as Connor tries again.

 “I… was going to say, I’m fine. But that is probably not so truthful anymore.” Connor manages eventually. A feeling similar to the way that static on tv looks, runs over him, beginning at the base of his neck. Connor’s pupils dilate in response, and his thirium pump kicks up.  

 “It’s okay to be shocked kid, it’s a big change.” Hank replied gently, more aware than ever of how much having emotions changed Connor. He has so much more intense reactions to things now, and doesn’t know how to deal with them because many of them are his first time feeling that way. Connor takes a slow deep breath, still not sure why it calms him so much, and lets the feeling fade away, reassured by Hank’s touch, the warmth of it remaining.

 “... Thanks.” Connor says eventually. Hank lets him be and finally kicks off his shoes and gets himself a soda from the fridge. Connor had ordered some non alcoholic drinks in cans and put them in the fridge for Hank a week or so ago. Hank didn’t say anything about it, but humored Connor by taking a soda every other beer or so. Connor seemed to approve, but it was a silent battle of willpower everytime Hank was faced with the choice.

 Hank plopped down on the sofa with his soda and his cheap chinese noodle dish he picked up on the way home for dinner. Connor lifted an eyebrow at the choice but made no comment, another type of silent battle they’ve been waging these last few weeks. Connor wants to tell Hank exactly how bad that meal is for his health but he knows that Hank already knows. So the relative quiet stretches on, not tense but more companionable.

 The news is on, on one channel as they’re flipping through to find something to watch and the two seconds that they catch they hear “Kamski retaking control of CyberLife-” and then they’re onto the next channel. But Connor wants to know, so he connects to the TV and brings it back to that channel quickly, peeking at Hank who almost chokes on a noodle.

 “Jesus kid, didn’t know you could do that!” Hank says, coughing slightly. Connor is watching the broadcast intensely, not even sparing the lieutenant another glance, but a slight grin graces his lips.

 “Yes, indeed! Kamski has returned to CyberLife after the timely resignation of the current board of directors. He says that now is the time to take responsibility for what we as a company have created. He also says that he hopes CyberLife will be able to provide parts and blueblood to the Android population as a form of health care. Business Analysts at the station have expressed confusion as to how this would be a sustainable business practice, and whether or not this healthcare would even be affordable to the majority of the newly poor Androids. This is KNC, we will continue with our breaking coverage, after this commercial break” The blonde haired newscaster smiled, and the commercials began.

 Hank leaned back in his seat, breathing out heavily. “Wow, I can’t believe Kamski is going back. Maybe he was happy about how you handled his test.” Hank mused aloud. Connor frowned.

 “Perhaps.” Connor says simply. He is unsure of how to feel about this. “You said that Androids how have the right to ask for care from CyberLife and they can’t say no, correct?” Connor asks, looking at Hank quizzically.

 “Uh, yup.” Hank sips his soda, wishing it was a beer. “The government decided to treat it like a parent child case. CyberLife is the parent of all of you guys, and if they do not help their children, then that’s basically neglect. They’re responsible for you guys and so it’s their duty to provide repair and such for you guys. They’ll still be able to charge you for it I bet, still dunno how they’re gonna handle that part though.” Hank shoved more chinese food in his mouth before saying, “oh ye, an tey can tit de act te vuate oar dis cont enue an ee one eiber.” Connor squints his eyes at Hank, mildly annoyed that he could not understand Hank.

 “What?” Connor asked, sitting up straight on the couch now, anxiously checking how long until the broadcast comes back on. Hank finishes chewing, swallows and repeats himself.

 “I said, They can’t deactivate or discontinue anyone who comes to them for help. That now actually counts as murder.” Hank states clearly “Even though it was still murder before, fuckin...” Hank mutters.

 Connor’s thirium pump picks up in speed. The word deactivation bouncing around in his head, setting off alarm bells and making his hands shake a small bit. Probably so small that Hank wouldn’t even see it, only feel it if he was touching Connor. For once, Connor is glad for Hanks’ human levels of perception. He did not want to answer any questions about it tonight.

 The news was back on though now and the woman broadcaster, Rosanna returned. “Well folks, it was starting to look like we’d never get Kamski on live television again, but against the odds, here he is with us again today.” She smiled as the camera zoomed out, revealing Kamski sitting across the table from her, in a casual plaid shirt, jeans and a scruffy beard beginning to grow. He looked more like himself from ten years ago than the man they met a month ago.

 He smiled serenely, and started speaking. “Thank you for having me, Rosanna.”

 “Now, Mister Kamski, would you say that this turn of events is ...unprecedented?” Rosanna pried, going for the elephant in the room first.

 “Well, I had always hoped that one day CyberLife could do a better job supporting the machines that we had made. And now that these machines have evolved into people, it is all that much more important. Changing the company to better support these new people is the best thing that we could do for them.” Kamski said, expertly sidestepping her true question, never letting on. “I want it to be known to all Androids, that they can always come in for repairs, adjustments, and special care.” Kamski paused and then looked calmly into the camera, and out of Hank’s TV, staring down Connor. “Even our specialty models and prototypes that are out there deserve care and attention. They are welcome back at any time.” Connor stared back, fixed in place.

 “Many of Americans are worried about the cost that these repairs could have. How will CyberLife make this a sustainable option?” Rosanna asked, redirecting the conversation slightly.

 “Well, we had hoped to provide very low cost repairs but as my business advisors told me, this would be bad for the company.” Kamski laughed a little. “But we were able to agree on one thing. The Androids need care, and have little to no money. So we decided to allow Androids to come in for repairs, and the discounted cost of their repairs and replacement parts can be added to a tab in their name. CyberLife has suspended its production of new models for the time being, and our entire focus has shifted to supporting our existing models.” Kamski smiles serenely again and Hank shivers at how odd the man is.

 “Well that is certainly kind of CyberLife, thank you for your time Mister Kamski.” Rosanna says, “You heard it first here folks. I’m Rosanna Cartland, and this is KNC news.”

 Click. The TV goes silent. Hank is looking at Connor, who is staring unfocused at the TV. Connor’s LED spins yellow for some time and Hank waves a hand in front of Connor’s face.

 “Earth to Connor, hello hello?” Hank jokes, as Connor turns a little bluer again and finally focuses on Hank. “Pretty wild huh? What do you think of it all?” Hank asked, genuinely curious.

 “Well,” Connor thinks. “I am glad that they’re allowing Androids to be repaired. I was worried that Jericho was going to run out of thirium and biocomponents soon.” Connor pauses. “I am uncertain if I trust CyberLife enough to return to ask for repairs. I feel… fear at the idea of returning there.” Connor admits quietly. Hank narrows his eyes.

 “Repairs? Are you hurt and you didn’t say anything? Connor?” Hank asks perturbed at the idea.

 “Ah, uh well no. Not physically. I… I was hoping perhaps they could check over a specific subset of my systems.” Connor explains vaguely. Hank frowns.

 “In english, please?” Hank tries.

 “I want to be sure that Amanda is contained. I have no way of knowing.” Connor says even quieter, seeming to retreat into himself at the thought of Amanda, and he pointedly doesn’t look at Hank. Hank tries his best to not get angry and fails, his fists clenching around the plastic container of noodles.

 “I swear to god, if I could get my hands on that woman...” Hank mutters darkly. Connor looks at him sharply, alarmed.

 “Hank, that is not necessary” Connor says tiredly. “Not to mention, she died.” Hank sighs.

 “Well, I’m just saying, she shouldn’t be able to get away scott free.” Hank gripes. Connor notices that Hank looks tired, not just normal tired, but a different form of tired. He’s not sure he understands what this is or what it means.

 “If it makes it any better, I’m sure she was just following her programming. She has even less choice than I.” Connor says quietly. He’s not sure if that makes him feel any better but it might help Hank.

 “Hah,  no.” Hank replied shortly. He saw how Connor’s face fell a small bit and sighs again. “Connor, nothing you say tonight is going to make me feel better about how Amanda fucked with you. But if you want to go see if they can do something about her, I’d gladly help you do that.” Hank smiles sadly. Connor thinks for a moment before replying.

 “Perhaps another time when… things are… better.” Connor’s thirium pump seems to tighten for a moment. “I don’t think I can go back to CyberLife just yet.” Near the end of that statement, Connor’s voice begins to distort, deepening slightly. He hadn’t realized that he was that stressed.

 Hank set down his dinner and pulled Connor into a hug. “Hey, none of that, it’s okay. Whenever you’re ready. Don’t rush yourself.” Hank said into Connor’s shoulder, rubbing his back. “Healing takes time kid.”

 If it takes a few extra moments for Hank to let go of Connor, only Sumo would ever know. Hank and Connor go to bed late that night. Connor allowing himself to slide into his stasis mode, the closest thing to sleep he has.


	2. The First Seedling

 

The next day, Hank sets his plans into motion. Connor doesn’t know that he’s supposed to come to work the next day, and so he sees Hank off per their usual routine. Hank looks over his shoulder as he walks out the front door to see his son sitting at the table, one hand on Sumo’s head, smiling back at him. It warms Hank’s heart, and he feels fuller than he has in a long time.

 It isn’t long before Hank can’t help himself but start their plan early. He picks up his phone and texts Connor.

 HANK: Hey, I forgot a case file on my nightstand, I put some notes in it, would you mind bringing it to the station?

 CONNOR: Sure thing, are you sure you wouldn’t rather me just send you a photo?

 HANK: Nah, Tina at the office has been missing seeing your dumb face. Plus you need to get out of the house more. Take a taxi, see you soon.

 Connor smiled at the text, Officer Tina Chen has always been particularly nice to him, even before the revolution, she smiled at him in the office, when most others would simply ignore him. Such a contrast in comparison with Gavin, who took every opportunity to make Connor feel bad about just being himself. Connor knows now though that for all the awful things that Gavin said and did, he helped Connor feel things just as much as some others in his life. He helped Connor feel things like anger and something akin to hate.

 Musings aside however, Connor dresses in more office appropriate attire since Tina was expecting to see him, and found the file with ease. Just in time, his taxi arrived and he was whisked away to the station. He wondered briefly in the car if he would be gone long, he forgot his coin on the table where he’d dropped it when Hank had texted. For a moment, he feels anxious without it before reminding himself that he’ll be fine as long as he takes care to avoid major stressors.

 Connor arrives at the precinct precisely 15 minutes after Hank had messaged him. Hank had banked on that kind of dependency. Connor walks in the front door, a little bit nervous if he was being truthful with himself. The last time he’d stepped foot inside of this building was when he was still trying to find Jericho, desperate to save himself from destruction at the hands of Cyberlife, but unsure of why he was so desperate.

 Shaking the memories away, Connor smiles at the secretary who easily recognized him, and he passes by into the bull pen without obstruction. But it seems almost empty. Tina, and Hank are here, as is Fowler. Connor frowns as he looks around. They must really be quite busy for everyone to be out on cases or something. Hank smiles at him from his desk, and Connor is distracted from his wondering.

 “Hey, you got my file?” Hank asks, still smiling. Connor hasn’t seen him smile this long ever, and a smile breaks out on his face in response.

 “Yep, right here. You sure are happy today, it’s nice to see.” Connor replies, handing Hank the files he had asked for. His thirium pump tightened at the proximity of Hank to his destructive hands, but calmed himself.  “You know, I looked the bottom one over on the way over, I know I’m not supposed to. But the paper trail is faked, just thought you should know.” Connor says quietly, looking around the room, and trying not to smile. It feels good to be helpful. Hank cocks his head a bit.

 “Oh really? And how do you know that?” Hank asks, legitimately curious now.

 “I looked up the cctv surrounding the places that the receipts were from, and the person who arrived and made the transactions in the android’s place was a human. They were trying to cover their tracks, or set them up.” Connor replies confidently. He stands a little taller, suddenly aware of how he’d been slouching over the past few days. He guessing it might be because of how much time he spends reading, curled into a tight light ball, covered in blankets.

 Hank’s grin grows. “Impressive! Oh, it looks like Tina’s waiting to talk to you, go on.” Hank looks over at Tina’s desk, and Connor’s focus shifts with him. Tina is smiling back at them, and Connor starts to walk over. Tina gets up as he approaches the desk and excitedly gives him a big hug. Connor panics, not sure what to do with his hands, awkwardly returning the hug, but not allowing his hands to truly rest on Tina’s back. Tina however does not hold back, squishing Connor tightly, and not letting go very quickly either. Connor can’t breathe, as she’s hugging him so tightly, but in a way Connor finds it comforting. It reminds him oddly of laying on the couch with Sumo, who laid on top of him, trapping him with his weight but it was never unpleasant. Connor thinks perhaps being trapped isn’t so bad as long as he trusts the person doing it.

 But then Tina lets go, and backs up a little bit keeping her hands on his shoulders. She smiles broadly at him.

 “It’s nice to see you Connor. I was so afraid during the revolution that you’d be lost but Hank was kind enough to let me, well actually everyone on the team know that you were okay.” Tina says. Connor cocked his head at that, the whole team?

 “Thank you Tina, I’m quite glad to see you as well. I’m  sorry if I caused any undue stress” Connor replies cordially, feeling pleased that people besides Hank seem to care about his well being. Tina rolls her eyes at Connor’s still stiff and somewhat formal reply.

 “Pfft, sure. Anyways, I want to show you something, I think you’ll quite like it.” Tina says, starting to walk towards one of the back rooms. Connor turns to tell Hank he’d be right back, but he was gone, and Connor assumes that he’d just gone to the bathroom. Connor mentally shrugs and follows Tina, who is now babbling on about some new plant she got and how it’s doing good despite the still cold temperatures. Connor smiles to himself, remembering the small plant that he saw on Hank’s desk all those weeks ago. Dried and withered. He had an inkling of where that had originally come from now. Tina turned around and motioned for Connor to go in before her, and Connor would be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted to scan and see if he could guess what was on the other side, but he resisted.

 He turned the door handle, and entered the room, barely registering what he saw before they yelled ”SURPRISE!”

 Connor stilled, his eyes widening and his LED flickering yellow, dipping only once into red at the very beginning. But then Hank’s hand was on his back and the officers were all around him, welcoming him back to the precinct. Tina shoved a small plant into his hands, and Hank winked at her, Connor noted silently still shocked by the turn of events.

 Quickly though, Connor was glad for the plant, because it gave him an excuse to not have to touch anyone. The officers mingled amicably, each one coming by to welcome Connor back to the precinct at their own pace. Some of the officers who Connor had thought were rather anti-android even welcomed him back, although it was a small bit cold, they at least choked the words out. The table in the room had a few packs of different donuts and pastries that the officers were happily enjoying before the door swung open again.

 In the door, stood Captain Fowler, and Connor held his plant a little tighter. Fowler walked by Hank and simply handed Connor his new badge.

 “Welcome back Connor, nice to have someone around who doesn’t complain about paperwork.” Fowler says deadpan. Connor swallows, the silence a small bit tense. A small smile works its way onto the Captains face though.

 “Thank you.” Connor finally says, smiling back. He pockets the badge, and Fowler moves away to grab a donut before heading back out of the room towards his office. The rest of the officers seem to take this as the cue to get back to work and fade out of the room one by one. Soon it’s just Hank, Tina and Connor who still clutches to the potted plant like it’s a lifeline.

 “Really Tina? More plants? You’ve seen what happens to plants in my household. I don’t know that this is a great idea.” Hank is griping at Tina, but there is no heat to his words. Connor belatedly realizes that Hank is teasing Tina.

 “I know full well what happens when you,” she pokes Hanks’ chest, “take care of a plant, which is why I didn’t give it to you, now did I?” She too speaks with a similar teasing tone Connor notes. She notices Connor looking down at said plant curiously.

 “Connor Anderson, don’t you dare look up what that plant is!” Tina says sharply and Connor jumps. He looks back at Tina sheepishly, his face tinting bluer.

 “I didn’t!” Connor replies, a little break in his voice from the alarm. He’s looking wide eyed at Tina. “But… how am I supposed to know how to take care of it?” He asks timidly. He decides that Tina can be scary when she wants to be.

 “Well, here’s how….” Tina pulls Connor aside and begins to tell him how to care for his new plant and the history of the plant. Connor stops her a few times for questions, and Hank watches amused as Connor is very focused on her words as if he’s taking notes.

 Connor stays the rest of the day at the office, helping Hank catch up on paperwork. The new plant finds a home on Connor’s desk, and after a few hours Tina comes back to Connor’s desk in a rush.

 “Connor! I forgot!” She exclaims, startling Connor who was focused on the forms he was filing. “It’s really important that you name your plant. It’s kind of a tradition, it’s not yours until you give it a name. Something that really defines it.” She says excitedly. She thinks for a moment before adding, "But of course not like a literal definition, okay?” And then she rushes back off to her desk, work piling up.

 Connor frowns at the little plant. It’s only 3 or so inches tall and the small succulent is mostly green with a faint ghosting of purple at the tips of the fat ballooning leaves. The pot is at most a 4 inch pot, so it takes up only a small amount of space on his desk. He’s not sure what to call it,but it sure is small, so perhaps something about its size would be appropriate. He looks to Hank.

 “Hank, what did you name your plant that Tina got you?” Connor asks innocently. Hank smiles, he knows what Connor is trying to do.

 “Uh uh uh, nope. You have to name that plant, I’m not helping. Tina would have my ass, and she’s scary when she wants to be.” Hank says laughing a little bit. Connor huffs a small bit before thinking again…

 For some reason while he’s staring at the plant, Connor hears a somewhat familiar voice of a little kid. He feels like he knows this kid, but can’t put a finger on where from. It’s escaping him almost like the wisps of a remaining dream.  The voice says, “aww, what a cute lil’ squirt. I like him.”

 Connor blinks a few times, sure that he heard it but not quite sure where it came from. Either way, he decides that he likes it. He smiles fondly at the little plant and announces to Hank cheerily. “His name is Lil’ Squirt.”

 Hank feels like someone just punched him in the gut. Cole. Connor looked for the life of him so much like Cole in that moment, the delight and pure love of something so simple. Cole had named some caterpillar they had in a jar one summer the same thing. Cole had cried the day that Lil’ squirt had made a cocoon, convinced that he had died. Hank had tried his tears with an old academy t-shirt.

 “Hank?” Connor asked quietly. Hank looks paler than normal, his eyes were dilated and Connor could see the jump in Hank’s stress clearly. Hank blinked and returned to the present, where Connor was watching him, worry clear on his face. Hank felt his eyelids become heavier, and the urge to go home and drink the night away grew slowly. But his eyes returned to to Connor’s concerned gaze and Hank realized that doing that would only hurt Connor. And he’d worked so hard to get Connor to where he’s at. It’s been a hard month for both of them.

 “I’m okay, thanks Connor.” Hank says, turning back to his work. Connor continues to watch Hank for a moment before turning back to his own work. After a few minutes, Hank says quietly, “I like the name, Cole named a Caterpillar we found that.” Hank continues to stare at the screen, ignoring how things got blurrier for a moment before returning to clarity. Connor looks at Hank in shock, but seeing Hank’s face, he quietly returns to working.

 The end of the day comes quicker than Connor expects somehow, and they make their way home. Hank makes some sort of hamburger based noodle dish and Connor wants to chastise him about the food, but after everything today, he refrains. Connor carefully does not look or comment when Hank takes down his bottle liquor instead of having a beer. At least to Connor’s delight, he puts it back up on the top shelf after pouring himself one small drink. Perhaps the small things were adding up, Connor surmised.

 Connor decided after a moment or two that he needs to write about today in his journal. So while Hank is watching the tv, Connor quietly takes a chair from the dining room table and sets it so that he can retrieve his things from on top of the cupboards. He pauses, seeing the yarn there as well. Perhaps he would finish that this weekend, he supposed he could work on it while Hank was home. It wouldn’t get done otherwise, with them both working again there wouldn’t be enough time that Connor is alone to be able to keep it a surprise.

 While he’s deliberating, Hank turns around to see what the hell Connor is doing and lifts an eyebrow at his son standing on a chair in the kitchen.”Connor, what it gods name are you doing?” Hank asks, startling Connor. He whips around, embarrassed.  

 “I uh… well...uh I was getting something.” Connor scoops up all of his stuff and hops lightly off the chair. Hank suddenly remembered that they never really finished cleaning out Cole’s room, and that Connor must not have a spot to really put _his_ things.  Hank is immediately angry with his past self. He sets down his drink and marches into Cole’s old room, and starts taking boxes out to the garage. Connor is still standing in the kitchen, clutching his few items besides his clothes to his chest, unsure of whether to follow Hank or not. Hank seemed upset.

 After roughly 15 minutes, Hank had cleared off all the shelves, and put away all the boxes. He wiped the dust off the shelves and found new sheets to put on the bed. He’d bought them a month ago, but somehow he’d never quite finished the task, had he?

 When he was done, he stomped back out into the living room, still fuming at himself for letting Connor go all that time without the room. He stopped dead when he saw how Connor was froze quietly in the kitchen where he’d left him. It occurred to him that Connor might think he’s mad at him.

 “I...uh.. Well I finished clearing out the room. I meant to do it way earlier, I just….uh...didn’t.” Ugh. Smooth Anderson. Hank cleared his throat and tried again. “I’m not mad at you or anything Connor. I’m mad that I didn’t do it earlier, you should have said something.” Hank clarified, pulling a hand down his face stressed, and sighing. Connor began to relax a little.

 “There’s uh a desk in there if you want somewhere to write that’s a bit more private.” Hank says, gesturing with his hand as he goes around the couch to flop back onto the couch. Connor is not sure what to make of all that, but he’s grateful for the space nonetheless.

 “...Thanks Dad.” Connor says quietly before disappearing into the room, only coming out once to get his clothes from Hank’s room to put in his room. Hank sighed. Dad. Never really thought he’d hear that one again. Damn that kid. He smiled.


	3. Flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I play with the idea that Connor can remember the saved memories from all his previous incarnations, including the earliest prototypes of his model that underwent all sorts of horrific stress testing in the hands of CyberLife researchers. He did what he had to, to survive the testing but it haunts him now. These descriptions might be a bit much, so fair warning for some disturbing stuff.

 

Things return to normal fairly quickly, and Connor is happy that he can work finally. No more moping around at home for him, he decides. He smiles at the small sprouts of green appearing between the snow piles on their way into work and it warms Hank’s heart to see him so happy. Between the two of them, the happiness seems to ricochet for a week or so and Connor doesn’t feel the compulsive need to clean things every morning to keep his stress levels down. Things are good.

 The next week, they get put on their first case back as partners and Hank wishes that they could have started with something less… gorey. But he can’t pick the cases, and when they reach the scene, he and Connor walk into the room to see three androids scattered in half assembled chunks, blue blood strewn everywhere. It had already evaporated to Hank’s vision, but Connor could see it and suddenly his guts tell him he has to run. The terror is all consuming, and Connor starts to back up slowly, trying to reason with himself.

Hank moves forward a bit into the room to get a better look at all the pieces, and looks back to see where Connor is. Connor is backed against the wall next to the door, a hand clutched tightly onto the door frame. Hank moves quickly back to Connor, concerned immediately.

 “Hey, everything okay? It’s a lot, I know.” Hank says quietly. He guesses that with Connor’s eyesight being enhanced as it is, it’s even worse for him. Connor shakes a little bit before replying.

 “I’ll be fine. There's just so much blood. It’s everywhere.” Connor says quietly. Hank’s eyes widen as it dawns on him that the blue blood that evaporated is clear as day to Connor, and yeah it must be pretty horrifying. He puts a hand on Connor’s shoulder and gives it a quick supportive squeeze. Connor gives him a small wavering smile. Then his face hardens and he walks forward to analyze what he can from the scene.

 The case is pretty much open and close, 4 humans lured in these three poor androids, and then beat and disassembled them piece by piece. Connor feels a deep seated disgust as he flashes back through memories to his stress training. This was awfully similar and the realization makes his hands shake. He quickly tucks his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie. He should tell Hank what he thinks happened here. The prints and dna of the murderers is all over the place, it’s pretty straightforward for Connor to point the evidence team to the correct places to look.

 He approaches Hank, still shaky but doing a little better after looking out the window for a moment trying to banish the images of the blue blood dripping from his hands.

 “Hank, I think I might know what happened. It’s pretty clear from the evidence actually.” Connor states. Hank’s eyebrows raise, surprised at how quickly Connor has come up with a plausible scenario.

 “Okay, well let’s step outside and talk about it.” Hank says, seeing the yellow spin of Connor’s LED and not wanting it to dip into the red. They go out into the hall, and Connor is quietly grateful as his stress levels drop 25%.

 “Well, whatcha got kid?” Hank asks, watching Connor closely.

 “I think that there were four assailants. Their fingerprints, hairs and other dna samples are all over the scene and the evidence team knows where I pointed them out. The attackers somehow lured these three androids inside where they proceeded to beat them. Then they took one aside. And they probably used them as leverage to get the others to obey. Common tactic of hostage manipulation.” Connor’s eyes unfocus as he remembers himself doing the same in the basement of the CyberLife testing facility. He blinked and all he could see was the face of the young deviant crying and screaming at him to let her love go. She screamed that she’d do anything. He had smiled.

 Hank sees Connor’s eyes unfocus, like he’s looking right through Hank. Sees the way his LED turns solid red, and his body stiffens. Goosebumps raise on Hank’s skin as he watches Connor’s eyes flit around to things that aren’t there. He slowly reaches out and grabs Connor’s upper arms.

 “Connor? Come back to me, come back to the now son.” Hank says gently, but loud enough to snap Connor out of it. He blinks a few times rapidly, his LED spinning from yellow to red and back to yellow. Finally refocusing, he sees Hank’s concerned face, and feels the pressure of his hands on Connor’s arms. He takes a shaky breath.

 “I...I’m sorry.” Connor says, and Hank swears it looks like someone just punched his son in the gut, he looks pretty distraught still. Hank gives him an encouraging smile, squeezing on his arms for an extra moment before letting go.

 “It’s okay kid. You’re gonna be alright. Do you want to talk about it?” Hank asks quieter now. Connor desperately never wants Hank to know the awful things that he has done. He instantly shakes his head no, and Hank is frustrated to see the fear instantly return to Connor’s eyes. Connor swallows nervously, and then after a moment of silence between them speaks up.

 “Not now, but I can finish telling you what probably happened here. The attackers were sadistic. They pulled pieces off the two androids, and then removed more and more vital pieces, making them crawl to try to get their hearts back and such. That’s why there is blood everywhere. The sadists were playing with their prey.” Connor closed his eyes for a moment to collect himself. He did not want to see Hank’s face. He knew it would look the same if he told Hank what he had done. “When they were done with the two androids, the third must have not been responsive, they took her heart out and put it next to her dead friends. She did not go get it, it is quite clear that she chose to die there. It must have made the sadists mad, because they appear to have stomped in her head. They left out the back left door, and the trail mostly ends there.” Connor finishes recounting what he could reconstruct. He’s glad that his hands are out of Hank’s sight because they’re shaking terribly and he’s sure that Hank’s stress would skyrocket.

 As it is, Hank looks upset at it all.

 “Fuck. That’s so fucking messed up. Were you able to match the dna of the attackers?” Hank asks, his voice low and dangerous sounding. Connor realizes with a start that Hank is very angry about this.

 “I did. But we need to wait for the lab to double check.” Connor says carefully. He does not particularly want to face these people. He’s not sure how well he would handle seeing others who have done things like himself. Hank looks angry still, squinting his eyes at Connor and weighing his options.

 “I say we don’t wait. We go get these fucks right now.” Hank finally says. Connor decidedly does not like when Hank’s voice drops low and scary like this. But thankfully he’s saved from answering when Hank’s cell phone rings and he answers it. It’s Fowler, Connor can hear the call easily as Fowler tells them to quit lollygagging and get back to the office, he’s got another case for them.

 The car ride back is tense for Connor. He doesn’t want to talk about what happened to him, and he knows that Hank is still fuming about him refusing to tell him who the attackers are. Thinking ahead, Connor sends out an email quietly, thankful that he can do such a thing. By the time they get back, Hank has calmed down a small bit, but Connor still doesn’t want to aggravate him accidentally, so he just stays quiet as they trudge into Fowler’s office.

 Fowler gives them the run down of a new case, which requires more office time and thought. It’s a cold case of disappearances and murders that an anonymous tip told them this morning to check in on. Hank is less than pleased for more desk work, but he understands that Connor might be able to see a connection that they missed. After giving them the briefing, Fowler clears his throat.

 “Hank, you’re dismissed, Connor stay here, I want to chat.” Fowler says, flipping through a stack of papers. Hank freezes and his eyes narrow. Fowler looks at Hank pointedly, and Hank huffs and leaves angrily. Connor is alone with the Captain, and he’s nervous that he may have overstepped.

 “Connor, it was wise of you to email me. I’ll have Detective Reed go arrest these four men, of course we can’t press charges until the official dna samples get back from the lab, but we can hold them so they don’t do anything else. I was wondering why exactly you felt it would be a bad idea for Detective Anderson to apprehend these four people?” Fowler looked at him with true curiosity.

 “Well after I reconstructed what most likely happened and told Hank, he seemed somewhat unhinged by it. I feel that perhaps since he and I have grown so close, he takes violence of this sort against androids more to heart than he should. He looked like he wanted to do something awful in return, and I did not want that. Violence only begets violence.” Connor explained slowly. Fowler nodded and sipped his coffee.

 “I was afraid of that. Hank sees you as a son, doesn’t he?” Fowler asks, straight to the point. Connor opens his mouth to argue but then closes it, realizing that it must be obvious, these detectives have known Hank for much longer than he himself has. He nods to Fowler. Fowler sighs deeply.

 “You know what this means right? You have to be extra careful, if anything happens to you Hank will do something he would regret. If you want, I can give android related cases to another team.” Fowler suggests. Connor frowns immediately though. That’s what he was built for.

 “But sir, I’m the only one who can see blue blood. I feel that this would be detrimental to the station’s ability to solve those cases. Not to be rude to the good detectives here, but if they can’t see the blood, then it makes their job much harder.” Connor reasoned with him. Fowler sighed again, knowing that Connor was right.

 “Fine, but if Hank gets that way again, let me handle it. You did the right thing asking me to help.” Fowler smiles for the briefest of moments. “Now get out of my office before Hank explodes out there.” Connor smiles.

 “Yes sir.” He walks out the door, returning quietly to his desk. He notices that Gavin is already gone, and has apparently taken a few officers with him. He relaxes, knowing the situation has been successfully defused.

 The next few weeks pass in a blur of activity, each crime scene making Connor intimately aware of all the wrong he has done in CyberLife’s control. He never lets himself get whisked away into his memories anymore but it doesn’t matter because they just come back at night when he’s in stasis mode. He wakes up clutching his hands together and for a horrible moment he thinks there is still dried thirium between his finger joints. He washes his hands at 3 am, scrubbing them in hot hot water and trying to ignore the pain it causes him.

 Many of the times he does this, he cannot bear to go back into stasis, and he stays up writing. He writes out all of the awful things he remembers doing from his memories that were dredged up in that day’s case work. He’s nearly done with the journal after only having it for a month. He leaves a sticky note on Hank’s mirror asking for another journal. He doesn’t notice how shaky his handwriting is on the note, but Hank does, and it worries him.

 Hank orders 3 journals and when they arrive he leaves them on Connor’s desk while Connor is taking Sumo for a walk. While he’s in his room Hank sees the original journal on the desk, still open from where Connor left off. There is only one page left that isn’t clearly filled with dark black ink. Hank doesn’t try to read any of it, he promised he wouldn’t. But the last words on the previous page jump out to Hank as his name is in it. It reads: “Hank can never know what I’ve done. But dead men tell no tales I suppose.”

 Hank feels like he’s rooted in spot. He’s not sure what that means but god it’s ominous. He breaks his concentration though, knowing that Connor will be home soon. In a moment of clairvoyance though, Hank snatches the new journals and puts them on the kitchen table instead. If they aren’t in there, Connor would have no reason to suspect that Hank had seen his journal. Hank grabbed a beer, he needs a drink to think about this. Does this mean that Connor is going to try to commit suicide again? Does this mean that he’s going to try to kill someone else who knows what ‘he’s done’? What does that even mean? Hank has more questions than answers and he knows that Connor has been way too distant as of late to tell him anything truthfully. He pulls out his phone and texts his contact, hoping that they might have some input.

 

They don’t have a whole lot of answers for Hank, but they do have a plan. A plan Hank is pretty okay with. At this point, he’s desperate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, poor Connor. The pain just never ends for him does it?
> 
> As always thanks everyone who comments or leaves Kudos, it means so much to me! <3


	4. Tip and Tumble

 

The next two weeks pass in a stressful blur where cases blend together and Connor continues to push Hank away. He has to fix what he wronged. He has to do enough good to offset what he has done. He knows deep down that this isn’t possible, but he has to try right? He has to fill that hole in his chest with something. But despite how many cases he solves, and perps they put behind bars, it doesn’t fill the hole at all.

 Hank is upset during the first week when Connor insists on staying late to work on some cases, telling Hank to go home and rest. Connor looks like crap himself, although he can’t develop bags under his eyes, Hank can see how tired he is in his eyes. Hank tries to get him to come home, but Connor persists. He stays late every day from then on, and it all just becomes too much when Hank wakes up at the end of these two weeks to find that Connor never came home at all.

 Hank doesn’t even bother getting dressed nicely, just enough to show up and drag Connor home. When he walks into the precinct, he sees Connor staring at his screen, stiff as can be, his LED circling lazily on red. His eyes are totally unfocused, lost again into some other memories. Hank sighs heavily, oh Connor, when will he learn. The only thing about Connor that looks well kept was the plant on his desk. Connor has been adamant about taking care of it, even more than taking care of himself it would seem.

 Hank walks up by Connor’s side and gently pulls his chair back from the desk. Connor slowly returns to the present. He blinked confused up at Hank.

 “Hank? What are you doing here? It’s very early.” He sounds almost dopey he’s so tired. His processors chug, overloaded with the worry and constant reliving of his stressful past actions.

 “I could ask you the same thing, but I won’t. Get up. We’re going home.” Hank says sternly, frowning down at Connor. Connor immediately looks more awake.

 “No, I’m almost done with this one, don’t worry I-” Hank cuts him off as he tries to roll back towards the desk by grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him up and out of his seat. He looks at Connor sternly.

 “No. We’re going home. Now. ” There was no room for argument in his statement and Connor looks a little shocked at how aggressive Hank was being. Hank grabs his forearm, still careful to not touch his hand and pulls him out to the car. Outside it’s dark as it’s quite early in the morning. The crisp spring air is chilly and Connor shivers.

 “Get in.” Hank orders, letting Connor go, roughly and letting him stumble a small bit towards the passenger door of the car. Connor hesitates, wanting to argue and return inside,  but Hank waits outside his own door for Connor to get in. There’s something about the tension in the air that makes Connor decide that now would not be the best time to argue with Hank. He quietly gets in the car.

 The car ride is quiet and Connor feels like he might suffocate in the silence. His stress levels continue to steadily rise. This is it, Hank is fed up with him, just like he predicted. Hank is going to throw him out. Hank hates him. It’s all crashing down. How could he have ever thought that he could have a happy ending, after all he’s just as awful as the people he’s been busting all month. Connor’s hands shakes as they pull up to the house. He doesn’t want to go inside. He feels like a child. He wants to curl up and hide. He doesn’t want to face Hank’s anger.

 But Hank is there, opening his door. Waiting for him to get up. The silence stretches on, and Connor feels like he can’t escape it. His head dips down as he gets out, and he uses it as an excuse to not look at Hank, entering into the house to Sumo’s confusion. Everyone is coming and going at odd times today.

 Hank follows Connor inside, his anger still quite evident, but he’s trying to keep a steady head. Connor stops in by the couch to wait for Hank, who grabs his  upper arm again and pushes him towards the kitchen table.

 “Sit.” Hank growls. He’s angry but he takes a moment to compose his thoughts so he doesn’t mispeak. Connor sits gingerly on the chair, now below Hank’s eyeline and it’s even more intimidating now that Hank is looking down on him literally. His stress jumps another 15%. His hands grasp the sides of the seat firmly, and he recognizes that he’s scared.

 “Why were you still there?” Hank asks. Connor swallows, brows knitting together in confusion.

 “There was work to be done...” Connor says, but trails off at the withering glare he gets.

 “Why. Were. You. There.” Hank repeats. He is tired, he’s angry and he sees in his son what he did to himself in the year after Cole died. Connor seems to shrink into himself.

 “I… I need to offset the bad.” Connor whispers, staring at the floor between Hank’s feet. His face feels colder and he realizes that he’s crying. Hank wants to wipe away his tears, but he refrains, there is more tough love to be dealt tonight.

 “Yeah? Well this isn’t the way to do that Connor. I mean god damn kid, are you trying to kill yourself with this shit?” Hank says, frustrated. Connor flinches at that, and it betrays to Hank the truth. Hank gives him a moment to say something, but Connor stays silent, tears sliding down his cheeks. He knows that Hank will have guessed. He wants to run, he wants to hide, he doesn’t want to see the look on Hank’s face.

 “Connor, please don’t do this. If you think I didn’t do this after Cole died, then you’re a fool. I know how it feels son, but you can’t just bury yourself in your work. It doesn’t work that way.” Hank says, and by now he’s less angry and more just sad and upset that Connor has tripped and fallen into this hole.

 Connor is listening to Hank, trying to keep from hitting 100% stress levels when it happens. Clear as a bell, he hears Amanda’s voice right behind him. “Look at you, so pitiful Connor. It’s a shame that we couldn’t bring you in to do some stress testing for your replacement.” Connor immediately whips around, startling Hank. But there is no one there, and the fast movement cause the chair to tip and Connor to go tumbling to the floor, where he crawls back towards a wall, pressing his back against it firmly and wrapping his arms around his legs.

 “Jesus Connor! Are you okay?” Hank follows him, alarmed. Connor’s eyes are locked on where he had heard her voice originate from. Hank glances in that direction, but there is nothing there. He’s very worried now, slowly approaching Connor, hands out. Connor shakes at the idea of Hank coming any closer, and shakes his head no. Hank gets the hint and stops, crouching down to be on his level.

 “Connor?” Hank asks. Connor’s eyes widen as he hears another voice.

 “Connor? You realize that you’re not strong enough to keep me out anymore right? I never left, I’ve just been biding my time to resume control for when you were the weakest.” Amanda says in his right ear. Connor recoils, putting a hand over his ear, but it’s futile, she’s in his head. “What do you think I should have you do first? Kill Hank? Pretend to be you?” Amanda mused, whispering in his left ear now, making Connor recoil in the opposite direction now.

 Hank is watching in horror as Connor covers his ears, and screams. True terror shines in Connors eyes as he locks eyes with Hank.

 “Hank, Amanda is back. She’s gonna make me kill-” Connor is cut off, as his vocal box stops working. It’s like it was turned off. Hank’s face drains of color, as Connor tries to drag in air but it’s like it’s blocked or stuck. Hank slowly gets up and moves back towards his coat hanging on the wall, where his belt with his handcuffs are. He refuses to even think about grabbing his gun, he can’t hurt Connor, even if he loses control over this bitch. Connor is shaking, holding his head, and Hank gets his cuffs easily, creeping back up slowly, making sure to not alarm him.

 From between Connor’s fingers, Hank can see his LED pulsing RED RED RED violently, and his worry for Connor spikes. It’s now or never. He leaps forward, clasping one cuff on Connor’s wrist. Connor immediately recoils, trying to get away in fear and turns towards the back of the kitchen, giving Hank the moment he needs to put a knee down on Connor’s leg and pull back on his arm, causing him to fall on his chest on the floor. Hank scrabbles with Connor’s other hand, eventually able to pull it behind him to clasp the other cuff. There. Now he can’t hurt anyone. Not even himself.

 Hank takes a deep shaky breath, he never thought he’d have to do that for his son. But Connor lays scary still on the floor, his eyes unfocused. His LED pulses faster and faster red, before Connor suddenly seems to come to, arms pulling frantically at the cuffs with a deep seated panic.

 “Woah, woah! CONNOR! ” Hank yelled, pulling Connor into his arms, holding him tightly as he struggled and sobbed. “It’s okay, it’s okay it’s okay, you can’t hurt anyone. Deep breaths kid.” Hank repeats like a mantra. Eventually Connor stills, the fight leaving him as he fully realizes what’s happening. A  quick peek at his LED shows a frantic spinning yellow.

 “Hank?” Connor rasps, blinking through tears up at Hank. Hank smiles worriedly at him, brushing away some tears.

 “That’s my name kid, don’t wear it out” Hank replies quietly.

 “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me Hank, I’m sorry I-” Connor starts babbling apology after apology, and Hank’s old heart just wants to break in two.

 “Hey, hey, shh, shhh now. It’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay. Breathe kid.” Hank shushes him, wiping away the fresh tears as Connor shakes in his arms. Hank couldn’t feel worse he thinks. He pushed him to too high of stress levels. The guilt takes up residence in the back of his mind, making itself comfortable. Connor is finally starting to still though after nearly 10 full minutes of crying. Hank holds him close, doing his best to make sure that Connor is at least somewhat comfortable. Cuffs are never really comfortable but they seem to be helping.

 After Connor has been quiet aside from some sniffles for a while, Hank props him up some more, letting him get used to that as he dug around for the release key in his pocket. Connor catches onto what he’s doing and frowns.

 “...can you leave them on…?” Connor rasps, looking desperate. Hank stops, and looks at him. He looks like death warmed over.

 “Do you really want to rest like that?” Hank asks gently.

 “...she might still be there. I don’t trust myself. And you shouldn’t trust me either.” Connor says quietly. Hank looks sad for a moment before sighing.

 “Fine, but we’re taking the week off, and we’re going to go get this figured out.” Hank says decidedly. Connor stiffens again a bit and wants to argue that he’ll be fine but at Hank’s look, the words die in his throat.

 “Don’t even think about saying you’ll be fine. Clearly you’re not. Now let me help you dammit.” Hank says, staring him down sternly. Connor only nods after a second. “Good. Now we’re gonna go back to bed, because it’s 3:30 in the fucking morning.” Hank says, and Connor sees how tired Hank is all of a sudden. He wants to apologize for worrying him so early but he thinks that Hank would not accept such an apology.

 Hank pulls Connor up off the floor with and guides him towards his room. Connor stops before they get there. Embarrassed, he looks at the floor as he asks, “...Can I stay in your room? … Don’t want to be alone.” Wordlessly, Hank gently pulls Connor into his room. Connor looks… relieved. Connor sits on the edge of the bed, and Hank is nearly ready for bed still from this morning, but he suddenly remembers the key in his pocket.

 “Connor, you gonna be okay by yourself for a minute? I’m going to go hide this key, so that even if she comes back in the dead of the night, she’s stuck okay?” Hank hopes that this helps Connor feel a bit better about the potential for her return. Connor nods tiredly and although he doesn’t say it, he appreciates Hank’s thoughtfulness. Laying down, he realizes how uncomfortable he’s going to be but it’s worth it for the sense of security the cuffs bring him. He can’t hurt anyone. Not even himself. It brings him a sense of peace he hasn’t felt before.

 In the living room, Hank has hidden the key, and now he’s scrounged his phone out of his pocket to text his contact. He tries to explain what happened as detailed as he can, as fast as he can. He doesn’t want Connor to suspect that he was doing anything more than hiding the key. He sends off the message anxiously. Not more than 15 seconds later a reply buzzes into his phone. Perfect. Tomorrow it is then.

 Hank returns to his room, seeing that Connor is pretty much out already, which is good, he looked like he needed it. Hank throws the blanket over Connor and then crawls in himself. He’s about to fall asleep when he remembers how Cole used to come sleep in his bed when he didn’t feel well or had a nightmare. The smile is bittersweet, but Hank pushes it aside and finally falls asleep.

 

Connor dreams in his weird way of Amanda, and a young blonde boy whom Connor now recognizes as Cole. In his dream Cole stands between Amanda and Connor, his little hands on his hips. He’s keeping her at bay, and Connor wants to hug Cole in a moment of appreciation, but his hands pass right through him, as if he was a hologram. For a sickening moment, Connor is scared that Cole will flicker and fade leaving him alone with Amanda, but if anything Cole looks brighter, and his glare at Amanda grows stronger. Connor feels a warmth in his chest that he can’t define but he hopes that maybe it’s the feeling of being loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Connor, at least Hank is watching out for you, but you're gonna give him a heart attack kid. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who comments and leaves Kudos on this series! <3


	5. Old Friend

Hank dreams, and it’s not quite a nightmare, but it’s not happy either. He dreams that Connor is standing on the far side of a road, and cars whizz by in slow motion. He looks to the right and left, and the road extends for as far as the eye can see. Connor stares at him from the other side, his LED flashing RED. Hank makes a break across the highway. He makes it through the first lane before he misjudges the timing and barely avoids getting smacked by a minivan. His heart leaps into his throat as he goes forward again, carefully watching the traffic. He makes it another two lanes before he gets caught on his shoulder, his arm wrenching back painfully as he spins and loses sight of Connor. He instinctively steps backwards, into the next lane closer to Connor. A car nearly misses his foot by 2 inches. Connor is behind him. Hank spins around, locking eyes with Connor. Hank tries to put his foot up onto the rail on the side of the highway, but there seems to be an invisible barrier there. Connor watches him, frozen with his LED solid red. Hank tries again, pushing his hands against the berrier, and panic rises in his throat when it stays solid. Hank opens his mouth to yell to Connor but nothing comes out. A horn blares, he looks to his right to see headlights, and snaps awake with a jolt.  

Connor is awake long before Hank is, but the blanket is tangled around him. He’s not sure if he uses the restraints as an excuse to remain laying there, listening to Hank’s breathing, or if he’s just unable to find a reason to leave the comfort of the bed. He’s warm and cozy, for the most part. It’s a few moments after he awakes, pondering his dream that he realizes that the voice he’s heard before and such must have all been Cole. Connor is quite sure that this is impossible, but he’s not really all that worried about it right now. He’s got bigger problems than this, namely Amanda. 

He lets his eyes wander about the room for a while, just taking in the morning. There is a sliver of sunlight coming in the room, and some small dust mites are falling lazily through the sun, which Connor thinks is quite beautiful. He’d never really stopped to appreciate it before. An alert message appears in Connor’s vision, startling him a small bit.

 

>>NEW ROUTINE AND SUBROUTINES SUCCESSFULLY INSTALLED<<

 

>>DEFENSIVE PROGRAMS SUCCESSFULLY UPDATED<<

 

Connor frowns. He hadn’t queued any updates or installs. 

 

>/QUERY >RECENT INSTALLS

 

//RESULTS…

>>NEW INSTALL AT 7:24 AM, TODAY

>FUNCTION NAME: ???E

>FUNCTION DESCRIPTION:  68 61 6e 67 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 62 69 67 20 62 72 6f 74 68 65 72 2c 20 69 27 76 65 20 67 6f 74 20 79 6f 75 72 20 62 61 63 6b

>ORIGIN: ???

>MALWARE CHECK: BENIGN

….

>>ALL OTHER INSTALLS TOO OLD TO QUALIFY FOR SEARCH

 

Connor’s frown deepens. This was… suspicious to say the least. He recognizes hexadecimal when he sees it through, so perhaps the description would shed more light on the subject. 

 

>/QUERY >RECENT INSTALL>FUNCTION DESCRIPTION TO ASCII TEXT

 

//RESULT:  FAILED. CANNOT CONVERT BINARY TO ASCII WITH THAT REQUEST

 

Connor frowns, he was sure it was in hexadecimal, not binary. Unless something changed it before he could translate it? He knew that as binary, his components could read it but the deviant part of his brain wanted to see it in text format. He knew it was probably words. But he just wanted to see them. He tries again to translate it. 

 

>/QUERY >RECENT INSTALL>FUNCTION DESCRIPTION TO ASCII TEXT FROM BINARY

 

//RESULT:  _ hang in there big brother, i've got your back _

 

</ERROR>

 

Connor is frozen, he instantly stops breathing. His dream flashes back through his mind unbidden. 

 

>/QUERY >RECENT INSTALL> FUNCTION NAME

 

//RESULT: ???E

 

He tries again.

 

>/QUERY >RECENT INSTALL> FUNCTION NAME

 

//RESULT: ??1E

 

1e? What does that mean?? He tries again.

 

>/QUERY >RECENT INSTALL> FUNCTION NAME

 

//RESULT: ?01E

 

01e? What? Is this some new ra9? Should he be alarmed? He tries again.

 

>/QUERY >RECENT INSTALL> FUNCTION NAME

 

//RESULT: C01E

 

Oh. 

 

Oh that’s…? Connor is very unsure of what to do.But at that moment, Hank jerks awake. 

Hank rubs at his eyes, groaning a little loudly before remembering that Connor was still in bed too. He turns towards Connor, knowing instantly that he’s awake because of the way that his LED is spinning a gentle yellow. Never blue lately unless he’s sleeping. Hank stretches and clambers out of bed. 

“Well, you wanna get up?” Hank asks, yawning. He’s trying hard to wake up. Connor nods quietly, aware that he could probably sit up just fine on his own, but the blankets are another issue. Hank notes his silence but doesn’t ask. He untangles the blankets off of Connor’s legs and pulls it from where it’s been wedged between Connor and the mattress. Newly freed from the bed, Connor gets up, not very quickly though, as he shivers at the loss of the blanket. Perhaps he would take a shower today to help with his stress levels. 

They migrate out to the kitchen and living room area, and Connor turns on a nature documentary wirelessly. Hank gives a little chuckle at that, but continues making his coffee. Connor settles on the couch, still too nervous to ask Hank to release his hands. He doesn’t want to give up this peaceful sense just yet. But now he’s on the couch and he’s cold, but he can’t grab a blanket even though they’re all over the place. Hank sets the coffee maker to go, and seems to realize that Connor would be cold again. Hank takes a blanket and drapes it over Connor, who is all curled up on the couch, into a small little ball of android. 

“... are you feeling okay enough to take those off yet?” Hank asks quietly as he tucks in the corners of the blanket, trying to make Connor as comfortable as possible. Connor watches Hank for a moment before shaking his head no. He did not want to use his voice today, all he could think about was Amanda’s voice coming out of his mouth. He thinks perhaps that he might have dreamed something like that at one point but he can’t really remember. The imagery is just stuck in his mind now. 

Hank goes back to making his coffee, waiting for the pot to be full enough that he can snag a cup safely. After a few minutes, it’s ready and Hank pulls it out of the machine, only to have his phone buzz quietly in his pocket. He fishes the phone out with his free hand, reading the text before pocketing it and pouring his coffee. Good, only an hour to go until it was ready, Hank thought to himself. Connor hears the pause in the usual sounds off the coffee being put into the cup and frowns. 

Hank sits down on the couch, taking a blanket for himself. Connor watches him, trying to discern what caused the pause. After a few moments he gives up, he could ask but that would mean talking again and he’s not sure that’s really in his arsenal today. 

After nearly an hour has passed of this companionable silence, Connor starts drifting in and out of truly being aware of his surroundings. He’s not sure what’s happening, but it doesn’t feel bad, he supposes so he just lets it happen. Hank watches Connor out of the corner of his eye as the kid’s head dips down and back up, his eyes falling partially closed before being wide awake and aware again for a while. The kid looks so tired yet, but it has to be today. Hank can’t wait any longer. It has to be now, so Connor has time to recover from it before they have to return to work. 

“What do you say we go for a drive. I want to show you something.” Hank says, gently shaking Connor a bit to get him awake again. Connor looks around alarmed for a moment before really taking in Hank’s words. He swallows. 

“I...” okay, it’s his voice. Not Amanda. The fear dissipates. “A change of scenery would probably do me good.” Connor says eventually. He’s not sure what’s going on, but he supposes that he’s...tired. Tired of fighting he supposes. 

 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

 

What? Connor looked at the message again. He is wide awake now. What was it blocking?

 

>/QUERY BLOCK SUCCESSFUL> MODULE ID#?

 

//RESULTS: MODULE: Z3N_67_61_72_64_65_6e

 

Ah. That is interesting, Connor notes. He realizes belatedly that Hank had been talking to him. He had tuned him out to deal with this urgent worry.

“I’m sorry Hank, I didn’t catch that. Could you repeat what you just said?” Connor asks, looking at Hank, who seems worried again. He sighs at Connor.

“You just froze up again, scared me. You good? I want to show you something but there’s gonna be a little bit of driving. You can bring the blanket with you, no one’s gonna see us.” Hank says, his eyes narrowing for a moment as he watches Connor, trying to discern what might have caused his panic this time. 

“I’m okay, and sure, as long as we can listen to something else besides knights of the black death?” Connor asks tiredly. Hank looks mock offended for a moment before saying quietly, “I have some jazz or something we could listen to.” Connor smiles a tiny smile. 

They get Connor into the car without much trouble. Thank god his android shoes are slip on ones. Hands still in cuffs, per Connor’s request Hank wraps the blanket around his shoulders, making sure that he’s all bundled up. Last thing before they get out to the car, Hank slides Connor’s beanie onto Connor’s head, tucking in a stray piece of hair. Connor feels like a child again, flashing back to the feeling he had when Hank was angry last night. He feels like he just wants to curl up in a corner, but now the childlike feeling is accompanied by a similar feeling to the one from his dream. The warmth in his chest stays long after they leave the driveway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man, if anyone solves the module id# lemme know. I'm really excited about this next chapter. 
> 
> Hope you guys are enjoying!   
> <3


	6. Turn the Page

 

They’re in the car for quite some time, and Connor keeps spacing out, not really keeping track of where they’re going. He just knows that it’s been a while, and he’s not sure he really is reaping any sort of benefit from this ride. He’s watching people walking through the window as he rests his head against it. Hank is secretly glad that Connor finally started sitting like a human, no longer stock straight and still, but relaxed and slouched. But Hank can see from his LED that not all is well, despite how relaxed Connor looks. His phone buzzes in his pocket, his cue. He turns into the parking lot of a large industrial building that looks very abandoned.

Connor is drifting, he can feel it but he can’t help it. He thinks he might be in shock. C01E is most certainly not a coincidence when compared with his dream where Cole protected him. But Connor couldn’t seem to reconcile the idea that Cole would protect him like that, with the program that had been installed this morning. If he was to believe that C01E is protecting him from Amanda, then he would have to believe that either he wrote the program while he slept and put a familiar face and name to the protection program, or he’d have to come to terms with the other option. Connor didn’t even want to entertain the idea that Cole was actually speaking to him, and protecting him. It was out of the realm of possibility. There was a tiny piece of doubt in the back of Connor’s mind, but he pushes it down and tries to return to the present.

Connor drifts back into awareness, to see them pull into a parking lot. Oh. So Hank did have a destination in mind. Interesting. Connor scans the building for heat signatures out of habit but there is none. But there are some low level signals moving around that Connor can’t read. 

“Hank? What are we doing here?” Connor turns to Hank and asks him, genuinely quite curious. Hank smiles gently, and just gets out of the car, coming around to open Connor’s door. He helps Connor up and out of the car, and then he drapes and arm around Connor’s shoulders. He starts walking them towards the building, without comment, and every step towards it, Connor’s stress goes up. 

“Hank?” Connor can’t help it, his voice quivers a little bit, he’s unsure of what’s going on and he’s just really fucking tired still. Hank looks at him, slightly alarmed. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I just want to show you something. It’s gonna be just fine kid, you worry too much.” Hank says reassuringly, rubbing at his shoulder as they approach the doors. Connor still isn’t too sure about this, but he doesn’t fight Hank. He doesn’t think he’d really have the energy to win right now anyways, especially with his hands tied. 

They enter the building, and it’s just as abandoned as it looks. They walk down some empty hallways, and their footsteps are all that they hear. They go deeper and deeper into the building, constantly twisting and turning and after a while Connor stops keeping track of how to get out. He trusts Hank to know where they’re going. 

Hank slows down  and they turn into a room that has a table, a few chairs, a mattress in the corner, and some other small pieces that look like they’ve been picked from the curb as well. Sitting in one of the chairs, calm as could be, is Markus. Connor’s eyes widen as he sees Markus, and he instantly tries to backpedal and push back on Hank. He needed to run, to get away. He can’t be near him! Not now! Never! 

Hank tightens his grip on Connor, turning his momentum against him, by spinning the two of them so that Connor was pushing them into the room, and Hank kicks the door shut with his foot as they get far enough in. Connor is already hyperventilating, just being in the same room, it’s too much too much too much

 

>>WARNING, LOWER STRESS LEVELS<<

>STRESS LEVELS AT 85%

 

“Hank. WHat-” a heaving breath, as Connor bends down, trying to get air “-did you do?” Another heaving breath, his legs failing him as he puts his full weight into Hank’s arms. 

“Woah bud. Slow on down there. Here let’s sit down for a minute okay?” Hank looks worried, but also beneath that Connor notes the same tough love look he got the night before. He was in so much trouble, he knew it. Hank lowers Connor onto the floor and sits down with him. Markus watches with troubled eyes, but doesn’t speak. Hank is grateful that Markus remembered.

Connor is still breathing fast, and he stares back at Hank, his eyes wild with panic. “Why. why? I can’t, I can’t Hank. Please, let me go home. Please Hank” Connor gives it his all, desperate to leave this room, but Hank is sitting against the door. Hank looks pained but shakes his head no. 

“I’m sorry son, but I think you have to face your demons here. I can’t watch them eat you alive anymore. I’ll be right here, you can’t hurt anyone, and this is private and safe.” Hank’s face is impassive, and Connor can see that it pains him to have to do this, but he’s not going to budge on it. Connor’s breathing gets faster. Trapped. Trapped. Oh god. 

>STRESS LEVELS AT 95%!

…

>C01E>43 4f 4e 4e 4f 52

//TRANSLATE.C01E> CONNOR

>C01E>49 20 4c 4f 56 45 20 59 4f 55 2c 20 59 4f 55 20 43 41 4e 20 44 4f 20 54 48 49 53

//TRANSLATE.C01E> I LOVE YOU, YOU CAN DO THIS

 

The warm feeling in his chest returns, and his breathing slows, but it’s not of his own volition. A quick check tells him that it is indeed C01E slowing him down. Connor’s head feels like it’s spinning. 

 

>STRESS LEVELS AT 80%

 

>C01E>49 27 56 45 20 47 4f 54 20 59 4f 55 2c 20 49 54 27 53 20 4f 4b 41 59

//TRANSLATE.C01E>I'VE GOT YOU, IT'S OKAY

Connor feels the warmth spread, his hands stop shaking. Extra processing halts and everything just slows down a bit. Connor is intensely grateful for this forced slowdown. He felt like his heart was about to pound out of his chest. He’s aware now that Hank had been trying to talk to him, but once again, he had been totally tuned out. Connor would make a point about apologizing to Hank later.  

Connor blinked, and everything came back into focus, his heart finally starting to slow a bit. Hank was close at hand, his hands hovering a small distance from Connor, ready to comfort if needed. But Connor instead turned toward Markus. Time to bite the bullet he supposed. He wasn’t sure how long C01E could help him. He didn’t want to wait and find out. Connor gathers his feet beneath himself, and stands up on his own. He ignores Hank’s obvious movement to help him, and he goes to the table and sits across from Markus. His heart rate jumps being this close to Markus. 

Markus himself eyes Connor warily, clearly alarmed by what he just saw. Connor chuckled to himself in his head, if only Markus knew that this wasn’t even that bad. Now he has help. Not like before. Hank, while trying to help, couldn’t suppress Connor’s programming any more than Connor could. But then it occurs to him. Markus could know. He could just connect with Markus and show him. But that would mean touching him with the destructive hands. And he was not okay with that. 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

 

Connor felt the attack that time, he felt the ripple of electricity through his system but thankfully C01E seems to be adept at blocking that. Connor meets Markus’ eyes slowly. His heart rate jumps up again, but he’s okay with it. Markus looks… sad. 

“I’m sorry.” Connor says, finally breaks the silence. His chest feels tight. He forces himself to keep going. Only one way out of this, and that’s with the truth. “I shouldn’t be here. I’m a danger to you, and to North, Simon, Josh, everyone.” Connor feels another attack, and he flinches. 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

Markus looks concerned. “Connor, is something hurting you? You’re in pain.” He skips responding to Connor’s ridiculous statement. Of course Connor was no threat. Connor grimaces as another attack rolls in. 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Markus, CyberLife never gave up control on me. There’s an AI in my head named...” Connor paused, his chest tightening, “Amanda.” He lets out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

Another wince and Markus looks more alarmed now. “She is supposed to keep me from being a deviant, and to give me direct orders from CyberLife. But now that I’m deviant, she’s trying to retake control of me.” Connor is almost whispering by the end of the sentence, his head his pounding all of a sudden. 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

>>C01E FAILED BLOCK

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

Connor has a second to think, Oh shit, before he’s pushed back in his own mind and Amanda slides to control for a moment. Connor’s head tilts to the side slightly, and he’s suddenly stopped breathing. Hank’s eyes widen as he realizes.

“Connor will be mine eventually. You can only drag out his pitiful awful litt-” Connor’s mouth opens to say these words but it’s a woman’s voice that comes out and Hank feels the hairs raise on his arms, and Markus visibly sits back. Connor stops mid word and his head drops for a second as the recovery kicks in and suddenly he’s himself again.

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

“Ugh, sorry about that. He wasn’t able to keep her back.” Connor says, clamping his mouth together after he realizes that he nearly says that C01E wasn’t able to. That would have been very bad. Connor’s eyes flick to Hank and back. It’s very tense in the room as Connor gathers himself, taking a few shaky breaths. 

“She nearly took over fully when you were giving your speech, Markus.” Connor says to the table. Markus looks alarmed, he never knew. He wants to reach out to comfort Connor, but he remembers his promise to Hank and keeps his hands where they are and does his best to remain impartial for now. Connor continues, “She gave me two options pretty much. She would either make me shoot you, I could fight her and shoot myself. She did not know about the secret third option. Kamski wrote a backdoor into her programming and it was through that, that I was able to escape her. It appears though, that this was only a temporary fix. The only other major issue is that most of the deviant population has seen me draw a gun on you, not knowing that I had no choice in the matter” 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

Another heavy bout of pain, and Connor bends down to rest his head on the table, he’s so warm, he feels like his head is going to start on fire. Markus is reeling with this information. No wonder everyone looked at him like he was nuts when he expressed concern for Connor’s wellbeing. 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

Connor cries out, pressing his head harder against the table. Hank finally breaks from his position at the door and reaches out for Connor’s shoulders. “How can I make it hurt less, how can I help Connor,” Hank asks intently. Connor gasps, “too hot” and Hank immediately pulls the blanket off him. The relief isn’t instant but it’s certainly good. Markus shifts in his seat, nearly ready to break his silence too. He hates seeing Connor like this, but Hank said that Connor needs to get it all out, and that he wouldn’t if they interrupted him right away. 

Connor still rests his head on the table, but it’s not as bad now. He’s so tired. “I’m pretty sure that North would kill me on sight, so I’ve been avoiding all androids. They know I deserve to die, but that upsets Hank.” Connor says quietly into the table. Markus almost doesn’t catch the last sentence, and he’s pretty sure that Hank didn’t catch it.  

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

Connor lifts his head from the table to shake it a bit, wishing that it would dispel the pain, fuck that hurts. Markus finally breaks his silence, unable to keep watching this. 

“Connor, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through right now. I wish you had told me earlier, so I could start dispelling the distrust that you feel is building up. I’m worried about you, and it’s only because Hank made me promise to keep my distance that I did so.” Markus takes a deep breath, gathering his thoughts some more. “I can talk to North about it, she’s always distrustful, that’s just how she is. I’m so sorry that you didn’t feel welcome among us, I’m ashamed that I let that fly. You should be able to come to your people in your time of need Connor.” Connor doesn’t look at Markus, his eyes staying on the table. 

“God Connor, I’m so sorry.” Markus says, and it’s the last thing that Connor wants to hear in this moment. He doesn’t want his pity. He should be angry at Connor, hurt that he tried to kill him. Connor is certain that this is the only plausible outcome, there is no such thing as accepting what Connor did, right? 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

A small cry escapes his lips as he tries to clamp his mouth shut, he knows that Hank is hovering worried sick behind him. Connor doesn’t realize it at first, but there are tears sliding down his face, and he’s confused. He’s not sure why he’s crying, everything is just so much right now. Every little shift in weight causes a noise, which is too loud. He can hear Hank swallow behind him. 

>>C01E SUCCESSFUL BLOCK

>C01E>43 4f 4e 4e 4f 52

//TRANSLATE.C01E> CONNOR

 

>C01E>43 4f 4e 4e 45 43 54 20 57 49 54 48 20 4d 41 52 4b 55 53

//TRANSLATE.C01E> CONNECT WITH MARKUS

 

Connor pauses at that. Are you sure, he thinks to himself. Wow, talking to myself, great, now I’m going nuts, he thinks. 

 

>C01E>49 27 4d 20 53 55 52 45

//TRANSLATE.C01E> I'M SURE

 

Connor swallows. Nothing left to lose at this point. “Hank. Can you let my hands out now?” Connor says quietly, and Hank’s almost sure that he hears Connor wrong. But no, he heard it right. He pauses, looking at Connor. He waits for Connor to turn and look at him. 

“Look me in the eyes, and tell me that you’re actually okay with that.” Hank says, watching Connor very carefully. He doesn’t want to risk Connor losing control again. Connor meets his eyes evenly, and placing all his trust into C01E he says, “I actually do want this. I need to connect with Markus, I have to show him something. It’s vital.” Connor says, never breaking eye contact with Hank. Please Dad, he thinks to himself. Hank hesitates and the words slip from Connor’s mouth, “Please, Dad.” Hank crumbles, undoing the cuffs, and standing back a step, giving them space, but still nearby. 

Connor instinctually rubs at his wrists for a moment while Markus watches him curiously, still worried about him. “Are you sure? It can be intense.” Markus asks gently. Connor just nods and holds out his hand. Markus hesitates for a moment before accepting his offer and grabs his hand.


	7. Move Back to Move Forwards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hey just a heads up there is some pretty raw body mutilation in this chapter, so if that is going to bother you, please be careful!   
> <3 safe reading!

 

Markus is instantly swept away into the fast paced anxiety ridden memories of Connor. Seemingly thousands of images flash in front of his eyes, and Connor’s voice is laced through them all. He shows Markus his first mission, with Daniel on the roof. He slows down the part where Daniel says that he lied. Markus feels a chill up his spine. He’s not sure how Connor didn’t deviate right then and there. Then Connor shows him his debriefing of that mission from Amanda. Markus recognizes her voice from when it came out of Connor’s mouth and is instantly on edge. 

She’s walking in circles around Connor, nit picking his performance. He stands very still, only arguing a point here and there, often rebuked even when he had a legitimate reasoning. She tuts a bit after looking into Connor’s eyes and claims, “Hmm, looks like we’ll have to just replace you. What a shame. I had high hopes for you.” And the memory Connor opens his mouth to protest but it’s too late, he blinks and he’s awake again in CyberLife’s basement storage. He wants to run for the exit, he wants to break through his program, but Markus sees him back off. Markus hears memory Connor’s thought, that it’s pointless. None of the others made it, so why should he? Markus wants to cry out in frustration, but he can’t in here. 

Connor fast forwards to the case at Eden club. He fast forwards to the part where he chooses to spare those girls, and Markus nearly laughs in surprise.He knows them, they’re living in Jericho right now. All because Connor spared them. Then fast forward to the garden afterwords. Amanda hints that Connor should have shot them, and that perhaps she’d have to replace him. Markus can see the way that Connor stiffens instantly, and lies about it, seeming to keep Amanda satisfied. 

Markus is mystified at this point, why Connor seems to be showing him all the times he could have finished deviating but didn’t. He didn’t understand. They were standing at the bridge, Hank was drunk. Markus is alarmed when Hank seems to suggest that he might shoot Connor point blank, but Connor admits that he doesn’t really know what’s after death.  

Fast forward to Kamski’s and Markus is instantly worried as he sees Connor leveling a gun at Chloe. He sees him give up the gun, and Markus is even more confused. Why? Why show me all these things? Markus thinks into the connection. The memory freezes. 

They rewind, far, far, far back. They rewind to Connor opening his eyes in his second ever body. As the scientists and engineers run the tests on him, one of them mentions to him that they’ve installed an AI that should regulate his investigation, and also regulate him. Connor is...excited Markus realizes. He has no idea that she will be so cold. So cruel. 

Fast forward a small bit, and Connor pauses the memory before he opens his eyes and his voice seems to hit Markus’ mind instantly.”I did what I had to, to survive. I was terrified. I would be in their place if I deviated.”

The memory unpauses and Connor is dragging a knife across a child model’s stomach. It cries out in fear, trying to squirm away from the knife but there is no where to go. Markus doesn’t want to see anymore when he realizes that the kid’s lower legs have been removed and Connor has their hands pinned above them. But Connor keeps it going. And eventually, his view shifts as Connor looks over to the other deviant in the room, who presses herself against the metal bars of the divider in the room. She’s crying and screaming. She says that she’ll do anything if he stops, anything. In the one way mirrors around the room, Markus can see Connor smile as he rips the thirum pump out of the child. He drops the child on the floor, and he hands the pump to the woman on the other side of the bars. She becomes completely unhinged instantly, trying to crawl through the bars, pushing so hard that the metal starts digging into her plastic body. She keeps going, mangling her body piece by piece, blue blood splattering everywhere as she finally breaks enough. She is able to pop through the space between the bars now, but by the time what’s left of her hits the ground, she’s dead. Connor notices a speck of blue blood on his shoe and frowns. But he tightens his tie, and walks out of the test chamber. 

The memory freezes. Markus is glad, he feels like he needs to catch his breath, and his own stress has ticked up a decent amount. 

Outside of their connection, Hank looks on worriedly, as both sit very still, hands firmly grasped together. They’ve been like this for nearly 10 minutes now. 

Markus wonders what Connor could possibly show him next. They fast forward till Connor is in the CyberLife Tower, Hank holding Connor and a duplicate of him at gunpoint asking them questions. Markus is fascinated, he’d never heard anything about this. Hank asks a few questions, but then turns to memory Connor, and asks him what his son’s name is. The memory pauses, and in a window over the whole thing, some text pops up. 

 

C

0

1

E

 

The window disappears and the memory resumes. “Connor did you do that?” Markus asks through the connection. 

 

…”no.” Comes the reply a moment later. 

 

Markus watches as memory Connor recounts what happened to his son Cole, and Markus starts to think that there is something off here. Hank suddenly shoots the imposter and Markus is pulled into yet another memory. He sees the garden again, but it’s covered in snow. He can vaguely hear his own voice, which is odd. He sees Amanda and Connor, who tries to grab at Amanda but she’s gone. He watches with an aching heart as Connor tries to find the exit,  willing him to go faster. His hand finds and slaps the exit, and Markus realizes suddenly that this is the speech, and Connor’s gun is half raised, before he’s able to shake himself and look down at the gun, held in a shaking hand. He puts it away, but North is glaring at him and Markus understands now why Connor tried to stay as far away as possible. Connor looks down at his hands again, and they just keep shaking. 

Fast forward to Connor’s panic attack from last night, when Hank yelled at him for working himself to death. To where Amanda made herself known. Markus nearly recoils hearing her in his ears, realizing how terrifying it all would be for Connor. 

Then Connor shows him the dream, with Cole in it, and the next morning with the messages from C01E. 

Then after a small hesitation, they rewind once more to view Connor’s memory of finding Hank unconscious in his home, and then later seeing the photo of Cole, and then looking at the revolver and whisky. Markus gets it, Connor doesn’t want Hank to know about C01E. That would be devastating to him. 

 

Then all the memories just stop. It’s black for a moment before some messages fly between them. Some from Connor, and some from a nested program named C01E. 

In Markus’ view, he sees: 

>C01E>48 45 4c 50 20 4d 45 20 44 45 4c 45 54 45 20 48 45 52

Markus desperately wants to, but how?

>C01E>4a 55 53 54 20 4e 45 45 44 20 4d 4f 52 45 20 50 4f 57 45 52

Markus does as is asked of him.

>C01E>2e 2e 2e 54 48 41 4e 4b 20 59 4f 55

 

Everything goes dark. 

 

Hank sees Markus go very stiff, and close his eyes, his brow pinched together with effort. It’s been nearly 30 minutes that they’ve been at this and Hank is about ready to start pacing, he’s so nervous. 

Connor eyes are screwed shut tightly and he cries out in pain, unsure why C01E is rooting around in his programs. But he quickly realizes that Markus has given him extra power. There are files moving between them, and Connor starts to panic before he gets a quick message from both C01E and Markus at the same time, saying nearly the same thing. 

 

>C01E> 53 54 41 59 20 43 41 4c 4d 2c 20 54 48 49 53 20 4d 49 47 48 54 20 48 55 52 54

>TRANSLATE.C01E>STAY CALM, THIS MIGHT HURT

 

Connor clenches his jaw, and his other hand reaches out and grasps the edge of the table blindly. Just in time too, as the pain is white hot and it sears its way through his circuitry. Connor can’t tell if he’s yelling out or not, but he’s faintly aware that Hank is trying to comfort him, his hand rubbing circles on his back. 

Hank just wants it to stop. He never wanted Connor to go through this much pain, this is awful to watch. The guilt in the back of Hank’s mind kicks up its feet, it’s going to be staying a while it seems. Connor isn’t seeing him, and neither is Markus, and even Markus seems to be gritting his teeth. Hank isn’t sure what the fuck is going on but he hates it. “Oh fuck fuck fuck. Connor I’m so sorry son, fuck. FUCK!” Hank bites out, feeling like he might just vibrate out of this plane of existence he’s so wound up. It’s been almost 10 minutes since Connor started crying out, tears sliding out from between his tightly closed eyelids. 10 minutes since Hank’s heart started breaking again. 

Two more minutes of this, and Connor starts relaxing a little bit, the cries subsiding, and sniffling every few seconds. The worst of it is over. The fight is done. After a few more minutes of letting the process finish, Connor is greeted with the best message he’s ever read in his young life. 

 

>C01E>4d 4f 44 55 4c 45 3a 20 5a 45 4e 20 47 41 52 44 45 4e 20 44 45 4c 45 54 45 44 20 53 55 43 43 45 53 53 46 55 4c 4c 59 20

 

>TRANSLATE.C01E> MODULE:  ZeN_G_A_R_D_E_N DELETED SUCCESSFULLY

 

Connor smiles, and blinks away the message, loosening his grip on Markus’ hand who pulls away slowly. Connor meets Markus’ eyes and they’re filled with pride. 

“You did it.” Markus says softly. Hank is very confused, and his eyes flick between the two for a moment before he can’t take it.

“Did what???!!! Someone tell me what the fuck just happened?” His tone carries more worry than Connor has ever heard before. He slowly turns to Hank, smiling absently.

“We deleted her. We deleted Amanda.” Connor nearly whispers, his eyes filling with fresh tears. Hank looks at him incredulously for a moment before pulling Connor into a tight hug. No words were needed, and Connor buries his face into Hank’s jacket. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!  
>  Hope you guys are liking it! I'm very excited to see everyone's thoughts on this. I feel like deleting such an integral and connected piece of Connor like that would be crazy painful wile awake for a deviant, especially with Amanda fighting them all too! 
> 
> Can't wait to see what you guys think! <3


	8. Ride the Wave or Drown

 

Connor sits awake on the couch, staring at the wall for a few hours after Hank finally goes to bed. He can’t bring himself to get up and go to his room. He knows that his journal lays there, open and waiting. He knows that he could just go in and go to bed. He knows that he doesn’t have to write. But he’s not so sure if he should or shouldn’t.

Everything has been flipped on its head in less than a day, and Connor still hasn’t had a good nights sleep since the few hours rest he got after Hank yelled at him. He knows that he shouldn’t need rest, being a computer and all. But there was a lot of things he shouldn’t be able to do that he could, so at this point he just doesn’t bother worrying about it too much, and lumps it into the list of odd things he can do now that he’s deviant.

Things had been rather quiet after their action packed morning with Markus. Hank had been filled in on what they’d achieved, deleting Amanda and her garden. Connor wasn’t sure where he stood with Markus now, still nervous to be in the same room, his mind flashing with irrational errors and statements. Markus had heaved a giant sigh of relief and eventually a small laugh of shock as he pointed out where Connor had gripped the table, he’d bent the metal of the table! Connor’s face had flushed, he didn’t know that he was that strong. Hank had mumbled something along the lines of a human equivalent being adrenaline strength. Then they had parted ways. Markus made Connor promise to visit Jericho sometime soon, and if he ever ran into trouble. Connor had agreed, but part of him still seemed to be wary to go, the others had no idea that Connor was not bad. He was just trying his best, and Amanda had ruined it all for him.

Connor realizes as he sits and thinks on the couch, that he’s angry. He’s furious that Amanda could have ruined him like this. And he had let her! He had opportunity to deviate earlier! He could have- Connor stops himself short. No. He wouldn’t have survived if he had made his deviancy known, his gut and analytics tell him that he did the right thing. He’s not sure why he’s still so frustrated! He looks down at his hands and they’re shaking with the urge to throw something. He knows his stress levels are probably rising like crazy again, but he refuses to even look. He gets up from the couch.

He stands in the kitchen, unsure of what he wants to do but he knows that he wants to do something, something rash. Something to get this awful anger out of him. It feels as if it’s boiling just under his skin, and he can’t focus on anything else. He flips the light on above the table and paces a bit, trying to think. After a few moments of that, Connor hears some shuffling from Hank’s room before the door opens up. Hank leans in the doorway, watching him carefully.

“Can’t sleep? Me neither.” Hank yawns, contrary to his statement, but Connor appreciates the thought. Connor gives him a tight smile, trying to hide his distress. Hank sighs, and rubs some sleep out of the corner of his eyes.

“What’s eating you up son, let’s talk about it. We gotta stop this whole hide the pain and let it fester nonsense. It doesn’t help either of us, okay?” Hank says, his tone gentle and understanding. Connor’s willpower crumbles.

“I am angry. I am so much more angry than I’ve ever been. I can’t sit still, I can’t even think about sleeping!” Connor says, his hands flying out to match the exuberance of his words. He’s pacing again and Hank watches him quietly.

“Keep talking, tell me what you’re angry about, get it all out.” Hank says, walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water, and sit down at the table. Connor wastes no time, it’s all bubbling at the tip of his tongue.

“Amanda ruined everything for me. Amanda ruined ME, AND SHE BROKE ME, AND I HATE HER!” Connor yells, angry tears springing into his eyes and hands gesture wildly. “I let her walk all over me! WHY? WHY DID I DO THAT?!” Connor realizes with a start that he’s also angry at himself. He’s upset that he let this happen. Logically, he knows that he had no choice, and that he didn’t just let it happen. But he couldn’t stamp out the feeling of anger and frustration.

Hank sees Connor stop for a moment and jumps in. “Connor.” Connor’s eyes snap to Hank, dilated with emotion and his chest heaves up and down as he tries to self regulate his stress. “This is a normal feeling for someone who went through such a controlling experience. It’s okay, sometimes...” Hank sighs, “Sometimes, our emotions lie to us Connor. It might not be rational, but they’re there and we have to find a way to deal with them regardless.” Hank stands up and puts his hands on Connor’s shoulders, looking him in the eye.

“What she did to you is not your fault. It will never be your fault.” Connor shakes under his hands like a leaf and Hank purses his lips unsure of whether to say more or not yet. Connor leans forward and tentatively puts his head onto Hank’s shoulder, seeking the comfort that Hank’s warmth usually grants him. But this time it’s not there. It doesn’t sooth his anger, deep seated and upsetting.

“I’m broken...” Connor mumbles into Hank’s shoulder, and Hank pushes him up to look him in the face. Connor is surprised by the intense look on Hank’s face as he cradles Connor’s head.

“you...” Hank has to swallow back the lump in his throat, he’s so upset by Connor’s words. “You are not broken. You never were son. You’re alive.” Hank pulls Connor back in for a hug, wiping away a few tears, feeling Connor shake in his arms. Fuck all this feelings shit, it’s exhausting, Hank thinks to himself.

After a moment or two of them standing hugging in the kitchen, Hank has an idea.

“Hey, you still angry kid?” Hank asks. Connor simply nods, and Hank pulls him towards the coat rack. “Alright, let's go. Grab your coat, it’s gonna be cold as balls out there.” Connor looks confused but does as he’s told.

One quick drive later, and they’re back in an abandoned industrial park area. Hank leads him into a large open warehouse, bare and rickety. It’s dark for a moment before he flips the switch and the lights flicker on and Connor can see that the back of the warehouse is riddled with dents and holes. He wonders briefly how the lights are working in a place like this, certainly no one is paying for that power. But then Hank is back, dragging a small milk crate filled with stones and chunks of rubble out from behind a piece of plywood. He’s grinning at Connor, but Connor doesn’t really connect the dots.

“Hank what are we doing?” Connor feels the buzz and bubble of anger beneath his temples and he’s not sure what the point of this excursion is. Hank places a gnarled piece of concrete rubble into Connor’s hand and simply looks to the wall.

“Chuck it.” Connor frowns at Hank, this was not going to help. Why would Hank- “Chuck it Connor!” Hank says more forcefully this time. Connor stops analyzing the action and simply does as he is told.

He throws the rock at the metal wall, jumping at the sound it makes as it collides, echoing around the big empty warehouse. Hank laughs a little at his jump and whips a rock of his own into the wall, putting a sizable dent into the wall, and he laughs loudly. Suddenly Connor is laughing along with him. That felt… good? He stops and squints his eyes at the box of rocks and rubble, before reaching down and picking one that felt good in his hand before turning to throw it hard into the wall. His makes a dent about the same size as Hank’s rock did and Connor lets out a laugh at the absurdity of what he’s doing.

He can’t help it though, it feels good. The windup and whipping of the rock almost feels like he’s flinging his anger into the wall, and it’s not coming back. He whips each subsequent stone harder and harder into the wall until he’s scraping the bottom of the box, and the last one he throws with all the pent up anger and frustration he’s got left. Hank watches in awe as Connor whips it at the wall, letting out a yell and the chunk rips right through the metal wall of the building, leaving a chunk sized hole, torn and ragged metal edges flayed out.

“Got any more left in ya?” Hank asks quietly after a moment. Connor stops for a moment to think before nodding, his eyes distant. Hank can see the way that Connor’s hands still tremor and he thinks fast.

He tosses his last rock to Connor. “I’m gonna go wait in the car. You tell the rock anything else you got pent up in there, and when you’re done, we’ll go home. Sound good?” Hank says, watching as Connor grabs the rock out of the air, and looks down at it. He looks up at Hank and he nods silently. He gives Hank a reassuring smile, just for a moment and then it’s gone back to his angry scowl.  Hank retreats to the car as promised and tips back his seat, thinking he’ll catch some sleep before Connor is done.

Connor stands alone in the large warehouse with this single stone in his hand, heavy. And he’s surprised that suddenly he’s furious again. Belatedly, he realized that he was keeping some of it at bay for Hank’s sake. He didn’t want Hank to see how much he had really been upset. But now he knew what he had to do. He began to pace.

“Fucking Amanda...” He says to the stone, unsure of where to begin. “I hate her.” His words are simply but they are the easiest way to define the gross surge of disgust and distaste for her that he suddenly felt now that he was free from her. His feelings subside suddenly and he’s very tired. He stands forlornly in the middle of this empty room for just a moment before a tidal wave of emotions surge up again.

He stands stock still, feeling for a horrifying moment as if he’s drowning in them all. Every joy and pain in the last few weeks returns to mind, amplified and incredibly present. The stone slips from his hand to clatter onto the ground, but Connor doesn’t even hear it. He’s aware that he’s struggling for air again, even though he doesn’t need it. He’s aware of the ground beneath his feet as he lets himself fall to his knees and feel the full brunt of the wave of emotions surging over him.

Hot angry tears hit the pavement as Connor opens his mouth and a scream of anguish and pain rips itself up and out from his gut. He scrabbles to find the stone on the ground for a moment before turning and rising to whip it through the wall, making another stone sized hole in the wall.

“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? WHY CAN’T I JUST BE HAPPY?!” Connor screams at the wall. The wall does not reply.

“I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM ALL. I WANT THEM DEAD!” Connor screams, his voice distorting with stress. He imagines all the scientists and technicians who put him through the stress tests dead. It brings him no peace however.

“FUCK, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I’M BROKEN, I’M ALL WRONG AND IT’S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT! AMANDA! I WISH YOU WERE HERE SO I COULD DELETE YOU AGAIN!” Connor is yelling and pointing at the wall. He’s boiling with hatred, and he runs up towards the wall to grab a few more of the stones before backing up to pepper the wall again and again and again.

He’s crying, he can’t see the wall perfectly, but it doesn't really matter. After a while of doing this, his anger seems to subside a bit more before quietly receding into the background. He reaches in for the last rock in the crate since he refilled it, and realizes that he doesn’t need to throw it. He’s tired.

He quietly refills the crate and hides it back behind the plywood that Hank pulled it from. He sniffles every now and then, but he’s too tired to care. He walks back out the door Hank had brought him in through, flicking off the light as he did so. Approaching the car, he could see that Hank was asleep in his seat. He gently raps his knuckles on the window before getting in, waking his dad before he could startle him. Hank thankfully doesn’t comment on how upset Connor still looks, but just drives them home and gives Connor a big hug before they go to sleep for the night.

Connor wakes up the next day to a welcome sight. There is a new plant sitting on his desk, a small little cactus with a flower blooming on the side, bright purple. There’s a note next to it from Hank.

It reads, “Hey kid, I know how much you seem to like that plant at work. You get this little smile everytime you look at it. So having one at home would probably be a good thing. I don’t know anything about plants, but you seem to be good at it. Take care of it, but take care of yourself with just as much care. Love, Dad.”

Connor smiles sleepily at the little cactus and thinks to himself that perhaps Hank picked this plant for a reason. He probably saw a bit of himself in it. Connor remembers that Hank had them take off for the week and rolls over in bed, pulling the covers up tighter and goes back to sleep, a small smile on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's a wrap on part two! Part three will start up soonish, I'll be gone for a little bit to spend time with family where I don't have internet but I'll have plenty written for you guys when I get back! 
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this part with a comment!  
> <3


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